Indecision

The Agony of Indecision – 2013

Few things distress the soul like the quiet agony of indecision.  Sat alone in the darkness, willing yourself to sally forth into a direction of crystalised clarity; a venture that will shower you with phantasmagorical rewards of enthrallment and gratification.  But where is that elusive shadow of a direction?  Why does it lurk just beyond the periphery of discovery?  Gently mocking your blundering attempts to utilise cerebral power and deep contemplation in hopes of reaching that moment of light, that ephemeral glimpse of redemption.

The desperation becomes more pronounced Indecisionwith every overtly erroneous decision.  Despite the perception of one’s own time as a valuable commodity, our brief forays into an ultimately unsatisfying distraction serve only to highlight how misguided that notion is.  Time presses inexorably forward, lethargy eventually forcing us to abandon our day’s endeavour, leaving our embittered minds to justify their own pitiful existence, in perpetual half-hearted denial of yet another squandered evening.

Quite remarkable is the boundless optimism with which one approaches every subsequent attempt.  The flickering excitement of potential, the zeal of a fresh day, the invigorating balm of hope.  What fresh treasures could be finally located this time?  Then follows the familiar purgatory of inability to commit to a choice.  Then the inevitable sinking of expectation, and the interminable descent into the deep, hellish pit.  The searing anguish of uncertainty, and utter shredding agony of indecision lacerating your hopes into a stinging reminder of the power of the fearful, never-ending cycle.

Thus runs a standard evening at home, staring at my enormous, glittering games collection, waiting for inspiration to strike as to which title I should pick.  What will blow me away?  What will make my evening?  Then inevitably I will leave them to gather literal or virtual dust as I disregard them all, and opt for an old familiar instead, like CS:Source, or Battlefield.  Like a holey old jumper, they are just too comfortable.  I despise myself…